B'day...

I shud hav written this post earlier..but never realized it...but better late than never..I started in April 2005..so can still write before the month ends...
Its an year since i started blogging..Writing is relaxation to me...
I read & re-read my posts starting frm April'05...amazed that was it me who wrote all of them...
Sm brought me smiles..sm brought me tears...:-(
Saw the whole year passing by thru my posts...
Many ppl started & stopped blogging...
Many ppl came & left in this time...
Transition frm Student to Intern to Employee...Dependent to Independent...A friend to A stranger...
Sm frnds r still hanging arnd...Wish they will b there...
Wind changes direction..Probably ppl dont change at that speed...

ps: M alone, not at all in a mood to sing B'day song for my dear blog...

Home alone.... :-(

No I m not talking abt the movie...M talking abt myself..
Extended wkend..& urs truly z all alone @home...
Neethu became a proud mother of a baby girl on 26th nite...I called her up on 27th morning & got to knw, told this to everyone@office...She is in Trivandrum...i called her sis to ask for the hospital she is in...v arranged for the bouquet to be delievered to her in hospital...
She called up smtime back said - Thanx, I got those lovely flowers yesterday...

Sur@home, Kamyaa@home, Anitha@home,Neethu@home,Rads@home...
M all alone...looks like everyone except me is wid ppl they luv...

Away...

Sur has gone to Delhi for this week…She left day before yest…Wen I returned frm office…Saw a post-it on my shelf…
----
Dear Sonal,
Take Care And…
Don't miss your meals
Eat Properly
Luv u, C u on Monday,
Sur
----
Tears rolled out frm my eyes…

Sur knows that first thing which gets affected wen M sad z my appetite for food…If smone is arnd Urs truly cooks nicely for them…but wen it comes to eating alone…Urs truly just hates it…
Returned frm work @9pm, frm 8am to 8:30pm…with thousands of tensions...24x7…my head z spinning… :-(
Neethu is not here, Anitha is off to home from Thur for a week, Sur went home, most of my friends away…Waiting for friends to come & spice up life again…
One tip for those who wanna wear the mask… just dress up brightly, if u can fake a smile its added advantage… its enuf to blindfold ppl & to show them that u r happy…its tried & tested...
ps: Currently reading "p.s. I Love You"…amidst it...

The Mask....

Its long since I hav posted smthing…was not getting the mood to write…not that M in mood today…. Just that feel shud scribble smthing…On 14th April, I read "By the River Piedra I sat down & wept"…finished the book in a continuous stretch of 3 hrs…
I will just say, an excellent book…a very common angle to luv though… that if u really luv smone, have faith in ur luv, just let that person go & fulfill his/her dream bcoz ur dreams shud b wat r their dreams… evn if realization of their dreams takes them far away frm u...

Was talking to Sur smtime back…v were just discussing in general…I was telling her about the story of the book…then v were talking abt sm frnd... one girl likes him but he wants to marry sm other girl, I think I hav mentioned abt this frnd earlier in one of my posts…anyway, I was telling Sur, watever he is doing is perfectly natural & its human tendency…coz all of us wanna marry smone v luv, not smone who luvs us… v only care for person v luv, not for a person who cares for us…
Me, my frnd, U….V all r like that kid who wants a particular toy & even wen he gets sm other nice toy in exchange, the kid wants that toy only…Had read this quote smwhere… "Always care for the person who cares for u coz one day u might feel that u have lost a diamond when u were busy collecting stones."
But v don’t realize this at all…
Today JS for the tenth time in last fifteen days said to me that-"M watching why do u look so worried these days…?? Wats wrong? V want that old Sonal back… "
I smiled & asked how was that old Sonal…? He said- "Our Sonal, who z ever smiling & dazzling." JS is a senior member frm our team. I respect him a lot. So, Urs truly said, OK JS frm tmrw, that old Sonal will b back. He said- "Not frm tmrw, I want her back frm this moment...".
There r moments in life wen u hav to wear a mask, especially for those, for whom u care a lot… or u respect a lot...U hav to portray for them that u r happy, even wen u r crying inside…bcoz those ppl around u, want to c u happy…So, even wen M sad…hav decided to smile, esp for those who wanna c me smiling…
Don’t wanna b cause of worry to anyone…
Wanna c happy those ppl for whom I care , don’t wanna c them worried bcoz M worried….
So, will keep my tensions to myself… & will smile for ppl arnd me…

ps: Sonal, U can wear a smiling mask…U can smile to make ppl smile...can't u?

Live in Present...

Got this as a fwd...very meaningful...one of my frnds has embraced past so tightly that has forgotten to smile in present...wish i cud fwd,but cant...Pasting the fwd anyway...
We never sin in the future. Every sin that is ever committed is committed in the present. Not rejoicing in what you have today is a sin. It is what we do in the present that counts and not what we dream for the future. All our failures are in the present. All our victories are in the present. All our life is in the present. It is here where we win or lose again and again. So it is not what you have done yesterday or what you plan for tomorrow but what you do now that determines whether you are holy or unholy, disciplined or undisciplined, kind or harsh, patient or impatient, dedicated or indifferent. How you handle this moment tells me who you are. The past is gone and the future is yet to come. What you do with the sacredness of this moment tells me your character. It is not whether you have rejoiced yesterday or intend to do so tomorrow that counts, but whether you do so now.
Urs truly planning nxt few posts dedicated for that frnd..
Wanna share this nice quote...
“Yesterday's the past, tomorrow's the future, but today is a gift. That's why it's called the present.”

Expectations…

Wen there r relationships, there r expectations… If I could be 10% of wat Papa is, I will feel I hav achieved a lot in life… that selflessness… its amazing… he always says, dont expect anything frm anyone… one of the sayings which he uses frm Hindi is 'Neki kar dariya mein dal...'… meaning even if u hav ever done good to sm1, just forget it & don’t expect anything in return… he never gives his name while donating for charity, he says, if u donate for fame, then there is no point in doing good for sm1...
I still remember days wen I was in nursery, v used to live in a house on rent wid two rooms, in which one room served as both drawing room cum bedroom & other one bedroom cum kitchen… I can still imagine ma cooking there…I had a small chair, an iron chair, knitted with red & white plastic wire, which dad got it designed esp acc to my height, even my sis had one which was little lesser in height…I still remember once wen I did sm mischief, for 10mins he tied both my hands to that chair & on my face he kept a hanky so that I cant c wat is happening arnd me…but still that chair is the most memorable chair I will ever sit in my life...I hav nicely got thrashed with a ruler for my mistakes…probably ppl close to me who knw how much I luv him, will always think that he wud hav never been strict wid me…
Frm that house to our own home today…things hav changed a lot..& so has dad, he has become more & more luving, more & more caring… that strictness has melted… he has been more like a friend frm last so many yrs…He has always told us to care for ppl & their sentiments… he says heaven & hell r all here only…if u care for ppl, if u luv them then they will luv u & ur life is heaven, if u don’t ppl also wont care for u & u will get to c hell here only…
Dad's guru mantra - 'Give more & expect less… ' He says Sonal always be true to ur relations-whether its wid parents, siblings, friends or spouse… being a friend in a relation always works… I remember one such quote:The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing... not healing, not curing... that is a friend who cares. ~ Henri Nouwen

Dint felt like writing more…so had hibernated the lappy…
Its 3:00am @night, not feeling sleepy, so went & sat in the balcony for smtime, just came back…thot of writing smthing so opened the lappy again… its become a routine affair for more than a month now…not getting sleep till 4am & sitting in balcony & then getting up @7am & reaching office @8am… one advantage of living on highway is that if u don’t feel sleepy, sit outside in balcony at least u can hav a look @ speedy trucks… Its April 10th…rather 11th as its past 12am..I can't believe 4th month of the year & there is hardly any difference in this new year…
4months…100days..2400hrs….144000mins…8640000 secs...of the year…wid same set of thots, same set of questions in life…its so monotonic…
V meet ppl of different age but only relation urs truly knws is of being friend to that person…if u knw me, just remember that urs truly luvs, cares & respects her frnds & is waiting & expecting to get just that in return…nothing more…
M I expecting too much...?

Feelings...

Its 11:48 now, Sis called up, they were at all @ Vicky's marriage…cousins said they r missing me…
Kamyaa came just now to my room, she needed smthing, she then asked-Sonal u ate properly today?…I said - No...she said..Y wen is ur fast ending?…U said u will make halwa for prasad & take to office also…wat happened? I said- I dint make it, so I fasted today also…she said- how much mental strength u hav Sonal? I cant skip my breakfast also…
Soumya called up @9:00, she had a meeting & wanted to knw how to dial up Oregan extension…I told her wat to do….after the meeting she msgd me back, saying thanks…I replied back that "In friendship No sorry, no thank u..." …this sentence reminds me of so many sweet feelings attached to it…
Ppl say v cant have a relation without feelings for smone…
What r Feelings exactly?
Feelings r not smthing v can describe in words…v can just feel…itz abstract…they r seen in the eyes of smone who cares for us…
There is no measure frm which me & u can calculate the depth of our feelings for sm1…
The biggest mistake is wen v compare our feelings for two different persons...v can't compare that whose feelings for us r more stronger…I really get surprised wen ppl ask me questions like-Who luvs u more mom or dad?.. Or... Whom do u luv more- mom or dad?
Feelings are flow of emotions between two ppl, it’s a 1 to 1 thing…how can u compare for which friend u feel more stronger- this frnd or that frnd? No, u cant.
If u do this, its a fault...
Wen two ppl care for each other, wen they feel them to be responsible for keeping the other person happy…wen u cant c other person sad bcoz of u…these r all ur feelings for that person…& its just felt by heart…nobody else can feel them as deeply, as the two persons involved…
U can knw how much u feel for smone wen they r away frm u…if u wanna knw the depth of ur feelings for smone…
Say I m the person & u wanna knw whether u feel for me or not...
…just imagine that u r going to loose Me forever…
…today is the last time u saw me…
…u r not going to c me again…
..i wont b there in this world tmrw...
...u wont read any new post on this blog...

In simple terms, the person is gonna go away frm u…
...if u r ok wid this thot, it means u don’t feel much for the person, but if this thot of loosing them forever, disturbs ur mental peace & u feel u don’t wanna loose them, that means u feel strongly for that person & person means a lot for u…
Feelings r warmth felt by our hearts in a relationship, words r always not required to express them…they r seen in the gestures of ppl, those ppl arnd us who want us to be happy, these are feelings only which force us to go to an extent of saying lies for sm1 to make their lives happy…
A sensitive person can c ur feelings in ur eyes…words r mere formality…

Potpourri ...

From the slums of Chennai & selling idlis (mom used to make & he used to sell) on the street, to an MBA degree from IIM-A, Sarath Babu's journey has been remarkable….read abt him in the youth icon section of TOI magazine. This fellow was offered a senior system analyst post in a software firm & he refused the offer as he wants to start his own catering business….He says corporate job is not my ambition, I'd rather have own company & employ one person who can support four other lives…really inspiring...

Got this tip as a fwd today…this is real cool tip for people who use notepad to write down any info on a day to day basis…
* Create a blank text file with .LOG as the first line of the file.
* Double-click the file to open it and notice that Notepad appends the current date and time to the end of the file and places the cursor on the line after.
* Type your notes and then save and close the file.
Each time you open the file, Notepad repeats the process, appending the time and date to the end of the file and placing the cursor below it.
Hope it helps few ppl those who dint knew it earlier like me, anyway I use MS Office OneNote…it has gr8 features...

Today is my cousin Vicky's marriage…due to some personal reasons, I dint go…my cousin Lucky called up last nite…& said there is still night flight for delhi…put one-two dresses in a bag & come…I just said...Sorry there r sm problems here & I can't come
Had a bad day ystday, my PM asked me r u not well…? Told her that I hav headache & will be fine soon…she was telling that u shud hav stayed at home…
...had a futile discussion wid Rads…she wanted to convey some facts to me abt one of my frnd…v dint discuss it much…may b she was true, may b not….even I don’t knw…I don’t knw why but I was not convinced…I said I wont disturb that friend & ask for reality…to Rads I just said- lets c wats the truth as it comes wid time…waiting is painful…but as its said that in the state of dubiousness, it needs strength to wait to knw the truth…but its better than to disturb or hurt smone or poke in someone's life….

Called up dad-mom now to cheer-up their mood as its Ram Navmi today...made no prasad in morning as I cant share it wid ppl I luv & want to share it...so while talking to mom-dad on phone went to cafe', they were asking me to open the fast & have smthing frm canteen...but I dint feel like having anything...so just had a tea & came back...

V were discussing abt my objectives for the next quarter & then surprisingly towards the end of the meeting ystrday my PM was asking me abt my plans…I asked plans for wat? She said, abt ur personal life…like marriage?
I just said, I knw it’s the right time for it...it may happen this year or it may not…it depends wen I get a right guy...I cant plan this like I plan my career goals for the quarter…it depends on wen two ppl get the feeling that they wanna spend their life together…its all dependent on feelings…at present I don’t have anyone like that who likes me so much or feels for me…she smiled & said that I know Sonal u r a mature & open-minded person & u can wait for right person in ur life….
Urs truly dint knw wat to add…
Festival time, felt lonely & so felt like scribbling smthing & wrote this potpourri post in 10 mins ..probably shud get back to work now...

A month Missed...

Its 1:25am & Sur has slept….my radio has forgotten me…i play it rarely these days…otherwise current time & current song used to b regular feature of my post….used to go wid the flow of post...so let me turn it on...

Talked to dad at home…everyone was fine….got sm instructions…Urs truly agreed to follow them….Mez a good daughter…Am I a perfect daughter? Can't say. Just wanna c everyone I luv to be always happy & giv all happiness I can...in some cases cant do anything except waiting for God to help ppl & make them happy & praying...so there I wait...

Ram Navmi is on 6th ….its not a holiday…so will make prasad early in the morning….mez fasting for last one week…
Met Radhika after a month today…it was like a prolonged gap after which I talked to her…Saw one other frnd too after many days today…felt nice...as if it was after ages ..I think past month, I can rename as 'March -The Missing Month' ...me missing most of my closed ones…or month passing wid nothing good to feel about...most of the time spent was alone wid my lappy at home… :-(

Wat will be April called? Still time to judge that….I will wait & watch....

ps: 1:55am & Current song: "Mahi Ve.." from Kaante...one of my personal favorites in Jaspinder Narula's voice…especially wen she says "Dil na toote khuda ka yeh ghar hai, tere sajde mein mera yeh sar hai….."….Never break a loving heart, it’s a place where God resides…